The Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Sprat

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

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Ahh Internet… the portal to the outside world for us shut-ins.. a great and wonderful tool that if you live in the right spot and your house is facing eastwest and not westeast, then you will have lightening speed internet.. unless you computer is old… then you have half lightening speed.. and if your computer is REALLY old like say over two years then you have snail speed.. but that is still better then dial up.. the aging of computers are for another time..

I am here to complain about my lightening speed internet..

     *The following story depicts fictional characters who’s names have been changed to protect their privacy as the wife blogs about it.

It all started one fateful evening in early March… here sat the *husband on the computer trying to play or watch or look up something and it wasn’t working as fast.. the *wife in the kitchen was listening to the conversation her husband was having with himself and everyone within a five mile radius now how he pays for so much speed and he wasn’t getting such speed. Day after day… week after week wife listened to the “ ONE PHONE CALL” speech he often gave about anything that wasn’t flowing his way…  so she decided to finally make that dreadful phone call to the phone company to complain about said speed. Only thing was is that calling the phone company is usually a 40 minute job with the caller on hold listening to elevator music… and then a 6 min conversation with a east Indian who doesn’t speak very good or any at all English.. resulting in a very frustrated wife who couldn’t spank one or two of the 15 kids she has who as soon as they see the phone raise up to the ears they either try and choke each other, mouth a question about whether they can go outside/upstairs/eat the last cookie/why does an egg shell not go down the drain. Or throw them selves at the wifes feet in a screaming fit. And then scream louder as the wife trips over the body flailing about to run outside where everyone isn’t because they were supposed to be picking up the sticks in the yard.

From what the wife gathered the internet was to be up to speed in two weeks.. good.. now when her husband came home she would have some good news to tell him.. and maybe.. he wouldn’t spend the whole evening complaining.

Wishful thinking… but what is life with out a little hope? The complaints slowly quieted down or maybe the wife grew deaf to them.. we are still not sure.

The two weeks were up.. Husband was counting down the days and when the day came and went with out the internet speed to his liking, wife suggested that he himself call the phone company and tell them about his “one phone call” proposition.

They were given another four weeks to wait.. this time the wife is eagerly waiting along with the husband because if she heard anything more about how hard her husband worked on his job and his internet should be fast as he swallowed her food that she slaved over a hot stove all day with out even tasting it she was going to stab him in the eye with a spoon.

Husband and wife currently are waiting in week number nine… wife has grown accustom to  the rantings drifting from the computer area.. she has learned to tune them out along with the music that stops every three seconds so it can buffer.. the twitches aren’t so bad now.. and the jelly beans help out a lot too.

The saga continues……


Caity said...

I feel for you. I was a college student in a long distance relationship with only a dial up connection (as there is no cable in my parents area). The memory still gives me nightmares.

Gotta love the country!

Suzanne said...

I was without Internet in my home for about 4 years so I can say the plus side of it is at least they have Internet. I felt out of the loop and behind the times. Without it I went to the college library with the students as often as I was able and was graced with using Internet there. My community offers this service for free! I felt grateful for this. The day I got Internet in my home again was one to be remembered. I've had glitches, slow speeds, and more but it beats not having it! Patience is a virtue and this couple is going to get it one way or another..

Jessica said...

Well, as I see it, the internet has nothing to do with this story. I look forward to hearing more about Jack Sprat and Whats-her-name.

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